St Jude and coffee.

I've waited a hundred years.

But i'd wait a million more for you.

Nothing prepared me for

What the privilege of being yours would do.


If i had only felt the warmth within your touch,

If i had only seen how you smile when you blush,

Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,

I would have known what i was living for all along.

What i've been living for.


Your love is my turning page,

Where only the sweetest words remain.

Every kiss is a cursive line,

Every touch is a redefining phrase.


I surrender who i've been for who you are,
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.

If i had only felt how it feels to be yours,

Well, i would have known what I've been living for all along.

What i've been living for.


Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,

When i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it well.

With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.

Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.


Written by: Ryan O'Neal (Sleeping At Last)


I want to run away to Forks with my boyfriend. But he may not be happy about it. :) Check this song please on Youtube please. Ta xoxo

Let me sign.

I may have already posted that title in a previous post. Ah well.

Say I'm a bird..
Your a bird.
Now say your a bird..
If your a bird, I'm a bird.

I'm going to gush about how much I love my boyfriend now. Heads up. First I'll tell you about him.

.He hates The Notebook and Twilight and MCR passionately. He in fact hates all of my music. Especially Sonny Moore. :)

. He's peculiar. Very much so. He adores black and death metal and smokes roll ups. His hair is golden coloured regardless of the look he gives me when I state this fact.

. He's known in our friendships circle as a bit of a legend one supposes. If you can call him that haha! Everyone knows him, everyone can quote at least two absurd and brilliant things he's uttered either inebriated or sober. An example being "I've always thought of pork scratchings as a pigs jigsaw."

. He works very, very hard. Is kind but extremely stubborn and secretive. I don't believe he has a malicious, deceptive or calculated bone in his beautiful carapace.

. Even though he feels passionate disdain for my own adoration's, he let's me jump on him in bed and pronounce loudly "SAY I'M A BIRD!!!!!!!!" and let's me go on about Edward Cullen and Renesmee Cullen until he's shaking his head in disbelieve that I can feel such love for two completely fictional characters.

. He let's me cry at Harry Potter and Romeo & Juliet. And any other film that I feel a bit teary with. And he'll hug my back while I'm doing it.

. Doesn't get mad when I'm a complete pain in the ass.

. Makes me feel sexy and beautiful even if I'm sat in his hangover hoodie with flat non ommph hair and no make up and or make up sliding from my face. He will always kiss me softly on my cheek and pronounce that I'm pretty. Even if I'm facing the wall in a strop because I feel like a gross whale.

. And he's a demon in the sack. Aha. That comment is going to gross out a lot of my friends who may read this. Ha.

All silly and cliche lines aside, I've been battling some health problems lately. Bad ones. And truth be told I've been very depressed, constantly in pain and the infuriating tirade of useless GP's and stream of antibiotics and worries of money can do that to a person. I've been very low. And to top it off the illness I've been battling is quite a physical one, so attractive factor takes a huge beating. And you just feel as if your whole life is crashing down around you and you're helpless to actually do anything. The last thing you want to do is try and make yourself look respectful and cater to your partners needs as well. Selfish as that is. The Boy has held my hand through all of this and still looks me dead in the eye with love and trust and tells me it will be okay. And I hug my body close to him at night to elevate my shivering and slow my rapid breath, I need him next to me in that time of pain. He's calm and collected, he doesn't show me that he's afraid or concerned because he knows that's not what I want. I just want him there. And there he is. At the drop of a hat. He kisses my pain away when my face is scrunched up in agony at three in the morning. He brings me food in bed and doesn't say a word when I'm locked in the bathroom for half an hour. He doesn't make me feel embarrassed, on the contrary; he makes me feel okay with telling him the yucky bits. He does all this without complaint, as if he found me and his soul duty is to look after me with care free brilliance. Like second nature. He's my entire security, just him. A body, holding my own, face in my hair with light breaths as I fall endlessly into a restless slumber. He makes me feel beautiful when my hair is matching Tim Burtons and my face is blotchy and pale, he knows when to tell me this, and he'll hammer his point home until I stop moaning about my face. "You are pretty." "Sexy, sexy, sexy" "You are the most beautiful." He says in soft whispers while I'm facing him.

I didn't think after everything I went through with Edward I would find the person I can truly be with. With Edward it was painful, erratic, passionate, hate filled, beautiful and dangerous. I loved that man with every fiber of my body, my mind and body shut down when he left me. I was broken. But I healed slowly, I learned to feel pain and endure it. Then I found my Shane. The most beautiful little surprising occurrence I have ever known. He sauntered into my life slowly with cigarette in hand and a passion for comics in his head. I found myself adoring my Tuesday night Cider Bar trips to see him. I found myself realising I could like him. And here we are. I love The Boy in a very different way too Edward. I love him irrevocably because I can trust him. I can give myself, body and soul to him fully because I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. And sometimes I look at him and surprise myself as I'm literally beaming with pleasure I'm sure. Knowing that I am very lucky (albeit rather poorly) to have found a person that makes me a better and stronger person. He makes me love being alive. He makes me love him every single day more. With a word or picture in my head he's conjured. My fingertips know his fingertips and I still get a kick out of exploring parts of his silhouette that I hadn't before. The flatness of his chest, the groove of his spine even to the stubble on his cheek. Every part of him I could easily drink and soak up the very scent of him. The best part is that these huge feelings of love are now easy to control. No uncertainty. And the funny thing? I sincerely know, he doesn't know he does it. His obliviousness is beautiful. And I love him. Always.


"None of them can hold a candle up to you.' xoxo

Tell me Doctor how to shake. Ergh. I feel horrid.

I've stolen the Boys Macbook and am playing Pokemon. Because I've clearly regressed to the infant stages, well actually not so much the infant stages as the prepubescent grumpy preteen stage wherein I communicated in a series of huffs and was permanently attached to the nearest electronic device. Not much has changed then? Ha now pull the other one. I'm in tremendous amounts of owies and have no bloody clue what to do. Guesses are that I have to endure this terrible bout of illness and try and earn some money. Well that's all very well, however tis rather difficult to fit little kiddlit's feet's when you can hardly bend of for the pain in your back, hips, ribs and you have the frankly annoying need to pee every two minutes. Fairly awkward in retail don't you think?

Yuck. I feel gross too, as if my insides are very wrong. I feel peculiar and sick. I know now how the Queen of Hearts felt when her roses weren't painted all red. My natural balance has shifted. She felt right in a green garden light. I now take solace in a hospital bed.

Huh. Loooook aren't I just funny. a month of writers block and out pops a little gem from nowhere. Or Wonderland. Which ever you'd prefer. The Boy has either put a tshirt in my bag from his flat to make me smile in a cute, 'I'm not really going anywhere, here's your favourite tshirt of mine to remind you of me while I'm at work' gesture. Or he's put it there by accident. As much as I have the utmost faith my boyfriend is a most dear romantic soul (in his own 'let's watch Goodfellas naked with Doritos and pancakes.' way) I don't think it would stretch that far, but regardless of all that I'm snuggling into it like a blanket. And if that's wrong then I seriously don't want to be right. As the saying goes. What is it about that Ed Sheeren song? The A Team? Gorgeous but really sad. Anywhoo. My foot has gone to sleep. And that's exactly what I should be doing. Sigh in short, I suppose the only things I may count on now are cuddles with The Boy, a cheeky menthol, and cranberry juice. Hopefully these things shall combat my daily pains and disdains. Frankly though in the words of darling me; 'Life ain't supposed to be like this.'

I like these quotes tonight.
. "You cant come in on a sunday with a big banana, and expect everything to be peaches"
. Don't jump the Shark before you save the Whale"
. "It isn't as hard to be happy as you're making it."
. I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees.'
. “Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

Goodnight lovers. Listen to this song and remember what it was like to be 15 again. And fucking dance. 'Lion Skin (ft Jonny Craig)- Hands Like Houses.

If life is hard for dreamers then I'm happy within the difficulty.

:) I'm still happy. Surprisingly so! I'm going to ramble slightly for this post. Ta and thanks x

I miss the Boy already and it's been all but 6 hours? Silly really. His arms have a truly wonderful way of holding me close, his fingers caress the curve of my spine, then slowly he curves his fingertips up to my neck and holds me there strong and primal. He handles my face softly and brings me to his kiss, while his body moves with my own. I love exploring him, I love trailing my fingers down the heady scented curve of his neck and jaw. I adore feeling the coarse ends of his fingertips and stroking the light weightlessness of his golden hair. When he’s crouched over me in a darkened room I find myself holding the supple flesh of the bottom of his hips, urging him to be closer to me. I reach out for him when I’m alone, my own fingertips willing to touch him. My body aches for him longingly.

"Shaven cheek
And golden hair
Makes the wretched week;
Easier to bare."


"I’m going to go insane.
This endless yank of ovary tugs
My hips arch in an uncomfortable manner
The sensation is absolutely maddening
As it pours out of my body; I feel nauseated
The ache after ward is worse
The waiting...
Trying so hard not to feel anything
But it comes in wretched waves
And confines me to the bathroom
Where I feel heavy, hefty and horrific
And wait slowly
For the episode to pass
My body is on fire
And there’s no way to quench it
Like a liquid sand timer; it drips
And my belly heaves
I become delirious and rabid with the confinement
I want to scratch my womanhood out
And wash away any evidence of X chromosome’s
If it means I don’t have to endure this any more..."


"His soft golden hair soaked slightly in a sleeper's sweat, caresses my cold shoulder as we are dimmed by artificial light. His broad silhouette is hidden by black blankets, engulfing his form, distorting it from view. He hunches his shoulders slowly while his is stirred from his slumber softly...A part of tousled hair hangs across his flushed cheek, his flushed cheek painted by night's sleep."

All words originally written by me...blah, blah, blah. I've missed writing on here. :) LOADS. Excuse me I'm going to go dream about Dallas voice, Desperado's, a broad silhouette and cheeky grin at the movie's today. Ciao Bella. xoxo

Happy.

Smiles all around. Like sickeningly so. :) I have found myself in a state of complete and utter bliss. Adhered by chemicals, cider or cigarettes. But those things help the feeling along tenfold of course. Standard. I've found something or namely someone who is quite possibly the easiest person to get along with EVER. And he essentially I suppose is now considered 'my other half' Couldn't literally be happier with everything right now. Lame and gushy I know, spare me the lecture. I'm happy. I'll start using another synonym in a minute ahaa.

I wrote this in my head while watching Silverstein play in Bristol last night. I kept having snippets of previous evening's in with the Boy pop randomly in my head and frankly it got distracting. ;D Enjoy beautiful's, and rate the song yeah? It's fucking fabulous. Power kudos to the insanely awesome, beautiful, smart, funny, and mental Emma Willatt for sticking it on one night while pre drinking pints of rum. :)

I’m faking colour in my cheeks with passed down blush.
And I have heady confidence to look my lover in the eye when the lights are off.
His warm breathe creases my neck with a soft hush.
As beatific notes dance aloft; and his kisses remain soft.' ♥

Hindi Sad Diamonds, Jeff Buckley, soft hair and coffee.

OH. Flat hair and no make up? Shameful. :)

I have a permanent smile on my face. Don't pry readers, let me bask.
I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was freezing in my sub zero flat...I think it's fitting but I'm unsure if it's finished. I can feel an ending to it? That's for another day though I think. See what you think loves;

'2 Exeter Rd.'

All I know is the trickle of cold water
washing down my sin soaked neck
The chink of copper pennies on the merchant's counter
Feeling as the ice does in the freezing winter
Raptures of intense lust provide me with warm;
when evenings turn dark
Like the mould on tea cups, I can survive on that
And as my scruffy head hits bargain bought pillows
My mind wanders of dreams where the Gas may be paid
and I could smile once more
Because I'm warm.

Haaa I do believe my Ipod has skipped onto a bit of HIM? Amazing. :)Good night you lot, I'll write more when I can be arsed. My mind is a preoccupied presently. ;) ♥

Skull rings and Fool Killer.

Soon please?????

I don't know how to use my Gas card. =/ So I'm ignoring the situation and reading comic books instead. Fair trade in my opinion. Ergh, I think I need some serious and dramatic changes in my life bearing the following as examples; not eating my weight in crisps and being a hermit in my room on my days off playing video games. I should at least pretend I'm feminine. ;)

And Gabor heels and tight pencil work skirts do exactly that. Too bad that all I really feel like doing is wearing my Batman pjs and watching Judd Apatow films. So comes the rely and all that jazz. Currently nursing a HUGGGGGEEEE headache. I wonder if people are really happy when they wake up? I don't think anyone is, truthfully.

I'm happy when I can be surrounded by the people I fucking love. And the ones that make me smile. :) Oh and when Dallas is playing constantly on my Itunes. Especially when I get made amazing cupcakes by a beautiful girl. Even more so when I get too giggle into a pint of cider all night with 4 v.rad people. Considerably more when one in particular is literally ace. :D How about when you get those singular, secular moments of sincerity when a mental memory, song, food, idea, joke or picture makes you smile for no reason at all. Imagine those times when all you want to do is cry but alas you realise that you're not starving or dying, but you allow yourself grief and as you finish sobbing, that warm sense of peace washes over you in waves and you can finally breathe again? Or how about when you remember the person you adore tells you they love you? Even more so when you realise you won't cry over them any more?

The hardest thing in life is to live in it. Spend your years with people that make you smile, blush, laugh, snort, shout and dance and all will be well. Believe me, take it from someone who has had double the weight of the world on her shoulders in her small 21 years of being on this dear Earth. The sorrow I've been succumb too means nothing because I know I can surround myself with amazing things and people. Be it a flat in France or scraping your pennies together to get a drink in Ye Old. Either way you swing it, I'm finally being able to accept reality. Sort of. Because they do say, reality's a lovely place...but I wouldn't want to live in it. :) Goodnight kidssss, Im'a go watch Beetlejuice. xxx